It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
