i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
