Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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