She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He? As in you personified your dick?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
