i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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