I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
