im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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