i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
