You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
