my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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