Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
