I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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