drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
