just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
