I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
