So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
