I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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