Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
