Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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