In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
All I want is dick and wine.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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