my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
