My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
