I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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