how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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