3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
