Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i dont even know how to be here
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
