thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Your penis caused this!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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