His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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