dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
