Will you blow on my dice?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
