he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
