Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
