My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
