sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
operation harelip BJ is a go
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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