she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
