The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
