So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
