I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
