true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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