my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
