Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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