why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
