i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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