Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
