conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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