And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
