Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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