She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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