how can u be prego again
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
