i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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