btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
they call him Oral-B. enough said
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
