Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i think i just lost a toe
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
