I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
