Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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