We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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