sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
