I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
