Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
